I.AM.SHOOK

Hey Y’all!!! I just wanted you all to know that Jesus came to my house today (not literally). He showed me the sentiments of my heart and HONEYYYY I was shook all the way down (Like Chilli in this Gif lol) and I know exactly why. For a few weeks I haven’t felt like myself. Frequent quarrels and extensive pettiness that is way below my level of life. I knew that my emotions were getting the best of me, but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why I felt that way. I was falling off course, and I knew it. I think that I am mature in Christ so I knew that communion and worship with Jesus was what I needed, but even with that, I still felt off. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even leadership, instead I filled my time talking to anyone who had a mouth about absolutely nothing…just ranting. I mean, that may not sound too bad, but I was talking to individuals that even on my worst day (no shade) I wouldn’t speak to. This was all on Facebook, of course. I would chime in on worldly memes that I would usually over look. They may conjure up a chuckle here and there, but I dare not post that to my page. I serve Jesus, not memes. I knew it was God’s grace chasing me down. I am grateful that Jesus’ voice could even get to my heart as my arteries were filled with my own will. I knew it was time to have a true ‘come to Jesus’ moment when he started removing everyone from my life that I used to fill up my time conversing with. My phone used to be lit and now it was the Sahara. NOBODY RESPONDED. In recollection, I am glad they didn’t because I felt like I needed people to confide in. I just felt like I was going through so much, emotionally, and no one would understand. I happened to be on Youtube watching a sermon by Priscilla Shirer. Lisa Bevere’s message about being a Lioness came up in things recommended for me to watch. Honestly speaking, she didn’t appeal to me because she didn’t exactly look or sound like the Sarah Jakes that I was used to. Even still, God kept urging me to choose that sermon. I ended up watching it and, BEHOLD, God’s spirit descended from the Heavens and it was amazing. Ok, that was extra lol but it was really, really good. She spoke about women who needed to channel their inner Lioness and stand up for the kingdom. If Christ is the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, then we need to stand up as his Lioness’. She had some good gospel. I bought her book from Kindle and started to read it. Of course, it was a deeper analysis of how to become a Lioness. While reading, the Lord told me that he misses me. Of course, I respond and say “Lord, I’m right here; I’ve been here. I’ve been praying and worshipping you. I go to church and learn of you”. He then told me that I don’t talk to him as I should only to ask of him. My prayers were one sided and they didn’t allow God to speak back to me. He wanted to know why hadn’t told him about my feelings regarding my faith? He told me I was talking to everyone except him about anything other than that which was important to purpose. There was one individual that he told me I had replaced him with. It saddened me because that was not my intent. He said I removed that person as well as everyone else that stopped speaking to you to get your attention so that you can seek me again. At that point I realized I had made a person my idol AGAIN!! I began to look up scriptures on Idols. I came across some great scriptures, but the one that stood out the most was James 4:3 which states, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the World is enmity with God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the World makes himself an enemy of God”. It stood out to me because I had been believing God for some things and they didn’t happen. I was a bit upset with God because I felt as though the atmosphere was perfect considering the conditions and I had room for all the blessings lol. This scripture reminded me that I had been chasing after the things that I desire and things that I felt would be beneficial to my life as is instead of asking him what he wanted me to do. He put a burden in me to start a book that I STILL haven’t started. When I looked up the chapter in James (I like to read in context), the heading read “WARNING AGAINST WORLDLINESS”. I was writing guys, I literally dropped my pen. My heart broke in two that I had become the very thing that God hated. It was unintentional, but when you just breeze through life without being intentional about your relationship with God and the time you spend with Him, then you open the door for these things to happen. I have been seeking His presence ever since that moment he revealed that the order of headship in my life had changed. He told me that I cannot fill my voids with Adam (bae), School, Zumba, Friends, Family or anything else I felt would take the pain away. What makes me really upset with myself is when I finally confessed feeling off, it was to my significant other, not God. He then revealed he had been praying for us both because he had been feeling unordinary as well. Why couldn’t I take my issues to the Lord like him??? Yep, I smell an Idol and I don’t like it lol. I knew I was off, I had become selfish in doing well. I didn’t want to give anymore. I didn’t want to help people. My heart started to turn, and I found justification in treating people badly which directly opposes the Word of God. I don’t want idols, I don’t want to be petty, I don’t want to argue with people. I want the beauty of Christ to shine through my heart so that anyone who encounters me will meet Him. I made a mental diagram of my issues an I figured out that pleasures drove my motives. My motives, then, displayed my heart, which held my treasure. That treasure didn’t seem to be my relationship with Christ. He is a jealous God. He wants it all. I also feel the need to say that being jealous doesn’t mean that he’s mean or requires too much. If your significant other stopped communication with you and started to entertain others then you would be jealous, too. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it just means that you’re hurt from the break down in communication. Anyways, I’m back guys, and I’m better than ever. I’m so glad that God was able to grab my attention through all of the craziness and call me higher. I feel like the prodigal son. Yep, I was in the pig’s pen, but I’m back. My daddy gave me my robe and ring lol. I'm glad he gracefully broke me!

I just want to honor God and be a pillar in the Kingdom. I’m ready to be great!! I hope you are too!!

Jesus loves you,

So do I,

Cici..