I'm Worthy,Period!

Hey Family!!! It’s been too long! I wish I could say that I’ve been away being super productive, such as starting a business or earning an IT certification (because I really need to), but I have not. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is that I’ve been away in this weird mental space. It’s one of those spaces that you can’t define. You just know that you’re not ok. Have you ever felt like you just were not good enough for anything or anyone? Every corner of life that you turn meets you with something new to be let down about. Life continuously backs you into a corner and you try to swing your way out, but you keep missing lol. Like the strong person God created you to be, you walk around like everything is fine, but your emotions are erupting. The negativity seeps through your pores and you wear unhappiness as your smile. You are literally moments from saying to hell with everything and everybody. You sweep things under the rug. Everyone can get acquainted with your middle finger. Thoughts of whether you can build a small house on the outskirts of population frequent your mind. You’d rather befriend animals and adopt them as family like Mowgli because humans are far too complex. You think everybody should just shut up. Disagreements turn into blocks and you write people off when a simple conversation would have sufficed. That was me. That’s still me. I’m just at the lighter end of the tunnel. Like Diana Ross, I’m coming out. If you guys must know, some of my struggles are relationships (platonic and romantic), purpose (what am I here to do?), passion (what about the world breaks my heart?), career (I just need a new title, sis) and discipline (not being a slave to your own body). These things are heavy. They might seem like they’re not a big deal, but for me they are a big deal. I had to come to terms with the fact that my life reflected what I felt about myself. I was only down because of my own insecurity. I only felt that way about others because I felt that way about myself. I felt like my input didn’t matter. No one cared what I had to say. I was disregarded. Unheard. That might even be one of the reasons I stopped writing. I felt like I wasn’t qualified to share. Who cares what Cici has to say? Oh, did you guys hear what Keith just said? He said ‘nobody.’ I hope you guys caught that joke. I don;t care if it was corny lol I laughed. My friends at the time were impatience, fear and insecurity. I allowed them to write my story. They changed my perspective of me, but not anymore. I’m taking my pen back, revoking our relationship, and allowing God to write my story. I’m going to get out of my own way, and so should you.

One of the things that I totally minimized during this time is that God is soooooo BIG. He has endless power. His love for me is real. He promised me hope and a future, and his promises do not come back void. I was created in His image. I am God-like. This is the same God that created Heaven and Earth. He created mankind. He created animals. He knows how many hairs are on my head…and I have a lot of hair on my head lol. Why would I even think to doubt myself? WHO CARES if I never get married (although I hope that’s not the case…patience, my dear)? WHO CARES if I don’t have kids (but I do want to experience a home birth)? WHO CARES if my Blog never reaches a million views? WHO CARES if I never get the career that I desire? I'm taking my hands off of it. I’m not going to let societies definition of happiness and success cram me into a box that I was not created to be in. What matters is the gospel. Are you in right standing with God? Has he justified you? Are you delighting yourself in Him? Are you a disciple? Are you leading people well? Are refreshed when they connect with you? Are you being the salt of the earth? I’m trying to be madd salty! (Get it? haha) These are questions that you truly should ask yourself if you find yourself in an emotional battle. I can truthfully say no. I did not. Of course, I went to church sometimes. I prayed sometimes. I fasted scarcely. I didn’t have a community of believers to reach out to or to hold me accountable. I knew the word, but I was not intentional about reading it. It wasn’t even my first resort when things turned badly. I was literally alone when there’s an enemy prowling around like a Lion ready to attack me and I wasn’t ready. I just was not ready. I don’t claim depression. I don’t claim anxiety. I don’t claim mental illness. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I’m lazy and I’m not putting my hope and my trust in the right person. I have idolized people in my life that shouldn’t have been idolized. God is jealous, so of course that relationship fell apart lololol. I don’t even care. I laugh when God brings the tornado because I know its to redirect my focus and energy. While I waited for my idols to fix me, they were nowhere to be found. It’s cool though. They were just being used by God. They threw me overboard like I was Jonah, honey. This mental battle was my 2500 mile ride back to Ninevah. I know I’m a powerhouse, but I was afraid to use my power because people will not care or believe me. That happened to the disciples in the bible, it even happened to Jesus! Who am I to complain? I even try not to preach on Facebook because I feel like no one cares. A lot of stuff I don’t even share. However, It’s funny how someone who is not saved can write ‘God is good’ and get 300 likes. Chileeee, I aint got the time. Whether I get 0 likes, 1 like, 1000 likes…I’ll say what I need to say. I don’t want to take too much of your time, but I have a few ways to break out of emotional insecurity that I think will help you all.

Recognize that God understands where you are.

Even if you’re not communicating with God daily, He knows where you are, and he understands you. He wants you to talk to him. One of my favorite songs right now is called Bigger Than I Thought by Passion. That song has so many depths. I promise. The first line says, ‘Speak to me when the silence steals my voice; You understand me’. I am a ball of tears when the praise team sings this. All the way slain, Sis. Anyways, to wrap up my point, know that God understands you. It’s hard to live in a world where you feel misunderstood, so talk to the person who created you and knows the contents of your heart. Even when your thoughts and emotions are scrambled, like eggs, God can understand you.

2. Increase your prayer life.

The bible tells us to pray without ceasing. It doesn’t mean you should live in a room on your knees in constant prayer, it means that your lines of communication with God should be constant. Even if you don’t have words, play a song that reflects exactly how you are feeling and sing to him. The praise team at church sang this song called Jesus I Love You by Jonathan Nelson and let me just tell y’all if they would have ran that bridge one more time it would have been over for me lol. Anyways, that song is now in heavy rotation every morning. Also, Ransom by Phil Thompson. I’m just trying to put y’all on game real quick. Prayer is essential. It’s how you build your spirit and your relationship with God. You can’t expect to be able to get through emotional turbulence when you have no thorough relationship with the God of the bible. Get your prayer on, girl. Be intentional about a time to pray whether it is in the morning, in the shower, on the way to work, the gym, wherever. I choose to sit in my closet.

3. Hang out and converse with people that you don’t have to question.

The bible tells us that bad company corrupts good character. I think that when you’re in an emotionally dark place you should hang out with people that you know without a doubt love you. It would be nice for them to also know the word of God. I went to Fayetteville this weekend to hang out with my mom, sister, niece and nephews. I had so many laughs that I forgot about my troubles. You don’t have to tell them your business. Go hang and have fun. Release positivity and keep with it. Pull up a photo of the guy that broke your heart and roast him with family lol you know, whatever works. My siblings have NO MERCY. I promise by the end of it you'll question why you fell in the first place.

4. Make a conscious effort to be happy

I went on a date with this guy who was a divorcee. We didn’t make it lol at all, but I think he taught me a great lesson. He said he was in a dark place after his divorce (wrong talk for a date, right) and one of his home boys asked him why he kept crying. He replied, ‘because I’m sad.’ His friend said, ‘Well, don’t be sad.’ He decided to not be sad and he got over it. I had to do the same thing. I had to decide that my emotions cannot rule me. I can be happy if I want to. You guys can do the same. Decide to be happy and PLEASE stop eating foods that are depressants. Give yourself a fighting chance. Keep your business off the internet. Seek therapy if you need it. The world doesn’t need to know what you’re going through in the name of transparency because, honestly, they don’t care about your well being. Ask Ayesha Curry. Some things are better left unsaid on a public forum.

Alright, alright, alrightttt (if you read in Kevin Hart’s voice, you a real one)! That’s the end of this blog. I hope this helps you guys. From here on, I will be a lot more consistent so we can build this thing. Let’s build a community! Please feel free to contact me via the contact page. It goes directly to my email. Share your stories. I will respond! Let’s focus, let’s win.

God loves you, and so do I

Cici