Why do Black Women Always have to be Understanding?

I was on Instagram today and I saw a video of a black woman expressing how men, black men in particular, do not have spaces where they can be vulnerable. To be exact, she said “women don’t understand how many men were violated as kids.” She continued to say that men don’t have a space to be vulnerable, cry and unpack the things that happened to them where they have not healed like women. It was about 30 seconds to a minute of empathy for men. I almost heard a violin. This kind of conversation triggers me. While I do have the ability to understand that men have boxed their trauma and pain and it shapes how they treat women and how they view the world, it is not an excuse for actions nor is it a woman’s responsibility to understand. Their pain is not special. Every individual we encounter has some sort of pain/trauma story. Some stories worse than others. I can be one of the first to raise my hand. I just wrote a blog on pain. Trust me when I say that I know how much pain can shift the paradigm of our thinking and how it can take us on a detrimental discourse of life. The emotional wounds that we suffer impact our actions. Pain often times triggers emotional wounds. I can understand that, but it doesn’t mean that the standard of behavior should be lowered. I understand how a husband, father, businessman or worker, developing a relationship with God can be cuffed to the wounds of their childhood. I understand that pain can deeply affect the way that men perform in each of those areas in their lives. I understand how they can be unaware of how their pain impacts their behavior. I understand how pain can cause them to be unanchored. I understand that they may not be able to talk to their partners or sisters or mothers out of fear of perception. I thoroughly understand. However, it is not a pass. It does not undo the harm that it is causing to the people closest to them and society. It does not make wrongdoing ok. There still needs to be accountability. There still needs to be treatment of the problem so that the harm stops. Imagine going to the Dr and they only tell you what is wrong and the reason. No prescription to fix the issue, no practical steps to health. Just sympathy. It’s ruining generations at best and enabling them at the very least. There are so many forms of help available to men. To everyone. Social media has become the mental health poster child increasing awareness by a number that is grandiose. There are countless books, podcasts, churches, conferences, men’s groups and male therapists that are able to walk with men through their pain. Continuing to hand out lollipops and rubs on the head while generational trauma is being passed harms us all collectively. If I have to wake up every day, work and take care of my traumas then so can men. Pain is a part of growth. It doesn’t skip anyone. I’ll end this with a quote by one of my favorite authors, Mark Manson (y’all already knew). Lol. He said, “To try to avoid pain is to give too many f**** about pain. In contrast, if you’re able to not give a f*** about the pain, you become unstoppable.” He is not saying to walk around and not care about what hurt you. He is simply stating to put that at the forefront of your life where your behaviors are contingent on it is to care way too much about the inevitable. We all need to do better, but men really have to stop searching for understanding and embrace healing. It is not your fault that bad things occurred, but it is your responsibility to fix. Men do not live in the world alone. Others are harmed by your behaviors. It’s time to search for solutions. We all understand the problem. It’s a broken record all over the internet. Are we going to do our work or are we going to continue to play violins? The victim mentality is hurting us. Understanding gives us all the ability to be able to work through things. We have the first part. Let’s proceed with the work that follows. To women, let’s stop with the babying. It’s giving ‘pick me’ behavior and you will be miserable. Trust me. I’ve tried it. Hold your brothers accountable.

I could be wrong about the way I am thinking about this, but we all have to be accountable. I’m not judging. Nobody prays to me, but I am impacted by the behavior.

Below is a link to therapy for black men:

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